new chili recipe (involves hot peppers)

[dakota]

If you like hot chili you will love this stuff. The nighbor kid thought it was a little hot though.

[klsm54]

The Inexperienced Chili Taster

These are notes from an inexperienced taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey. "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off."

"Apparently, the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Shelly, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili# 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shelly saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Shelly. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

[deputydon]

ROFLMAO !!!!!!

[Bill]

That story reminds me of one of the Rondvouse that I attended. The camp had this big caldron that they used for Chilie every year. It held about 15 gallons of Chilie. We would brown the hamburger in the pot first and then begin throwing in the tomato juice by the gallon and the beans by the gallon and stir it with a big wood paddle. We had one member named Blue. Blue always wore a leather necklace around his neck that had a bottle hung from it. None of us ever asked what it was but we did notice that when he was eating he would sometimes open the bottle and sprinkle a bit of the contents on the food and go back to eating and with great gusto. Well while making the chilie everyone walking by would stop and taste the chillie and comment on its flavor and what was needed. More onion some would comment. More beans others would comment. All of which was taken care of in short order.
Well one of the times that the pot was unatended Blue walked by and tasted it. Shortly after that it was noticed by a few bystanders that he took the bottle hung from his neck and emptied the contents from it into the pot. Some watching thought it was Vo Do he was doing and thought they better keep quiet least he put a hex on them. Anyway no one after that tasted the chilie due to the fact that there were no ingrediants left to put in it anyway so it was just stired till it was time to eat. Connie the fry bred lady made up a batch of fry bred and that all went into a cardboard box for lack of anything else to throw it into when it was done and that was set on a 20' long log of which there were 4 sitting around the camp fire on which the chilie was cooking. Everyone grabbed a bowl from their camp and came to the campfire and went by the fry bread and then to the fire where they filled their bowls. They then proceeded to go to a position on the logs and sit down and begin to eat. Not long after the first ones began to eat you started to notice some pretty weird looks on peoples faces but no one was talking. Mostly they were drinking and wiping their tounges with the chunks of fry bread. Every now and then some would take a second scoupe of the chilie and then begin the wiping process and drinking process all over again. Still no talking. It was one of the quietest camp suppers I had ever seen. It wasn't long that everyone in camp was doing the same thing.
Finally someone was able to talk and out came HOLY SHIT. Then a NO SHIT and then a DAM and this then became the total conversation. Nothing about how they shot on the range that day or who beat who or man thats a nice rifle your shooting. Just an explanitive like the first one that was able to be brought forth. The only other topic of discourse was WHO DONE IT.
Well it wasn't hard to tell as Blue was finally noticed and seeing as how it was his Third bowl of chillie and everyone else was still on their first and still wiping their tounges off with the fry bread he got the blame. When approached he left the fire quickly. Course with 129 red faced buckskinners all armed with tomahawks and knives and rifles it was probably a good thing. It seems that that little bottle of Blues was filled with some kind of mexican chile's that he would bring back with him from Mexico every so often and just that one ounce bottle was enough to burn down a barn.
Seeing as how no one went after Blue the rest of the evening and he was allowed to live (mostly because everyone in camp was lined up at the only crapper in 5 miles due to their loose bowel syndrom) and we found out what he had done the next day when he was questioned. (Tied to a tree and feet put to a fire does help get answers) Blue was then released and was very gently told that he could no longer attend the tasting sessions and he could only appear at the camp fire, sit on a log, and someone would serve him. He could not in any uncertain terms go anywhere near the pot. He also was given the rest of the pot of chile to eat as a reward. Everyone else had gone home to see a doctor anyway so it didn't make a bit of differance.

[dakota]

Habanero peppers - advertised as 50,000 times hotter than Jalapeno Peppers.
A guy I knew said he liked his food HOT!!!!! I gave him a bottle of Habanero (3x) sauce. The next day he was very sick, covered his eggs with it in the a.m. He wondered about the container, "Was it really glass of some kind or miracle material -- space age stuff?"

[Bill]

Sorry about the spelling on my previous post but just remembering that occasion was causing spasims in my lower intestines and causing me to bend over from pain. Also thank you Dakota for giving the type of ingrediants that Blue put into the pot as typing it would of caused me even more discomfort.
Also ever since then I always taste the chile with a spoon and sit down for at least 5 minutes before I fill the bowl. That way I do not take something from the pot that might hurt me.

[dakota]

The people in Guyana called these peppers red hot balls of fire, but they are habanero peppers.

[dakota]

Melindas is what I had - comes in 1x to 4x hot. My bro-in-law used to go to Belize and he got acquainted with the stuff there. He brought it back by the case.

Habanero Hot Sauces (quoted from www.fiery-foods.com/dave/profile_hab.html.)

An old island adage says that the best Caribbean hot sauce is the one that burns a hole in the tablecloth. We've never seen that happen in all our trips to the Caribbean, but we're certain that the earliest hot sauces in the region were made with the crushed chinense varieties. According to some sources, the Carib and Arawak Indians used pepper juice for seasoning, and after the "discovery" of chile peppers by Europeans, slave ship captains combined pepper juice with palm oil, flour, and water to make a "slabber sauce" that was served over ground beans to the slaves aboard ship.

The most basic hot sauces on the islands were made by soaking chopped Scotch bonnets in vinegar and then sprinkling the fiery vinegar on foods. Over the centuries, each island developed its own style of hot sauce by combining the crushed chiles with other ingredients such as mustard, fruits, or tomatoes.

Homemade hot sauces are still common on the islands of the Caribbean. The sauces piquante and chien from Martinique and ti-malice from Haiti all combine shallots, lime juice, garlic, and the hottest chinenses available. Puerto Rico has two hot sauces of note: one is called pique and is made with acidic Seville oranges and habaneros; the other is sofrito, which combines small piquins ("bird peppers") with annatto seeds, cilantro, onions, garlic, and tomatoes. In Jamaica, Scotch bonnets are combined with the pulp and juices of mangoes, papayas, and tamarinds. The Virgin Islands have a concoction known as "Asher," which is a corruption of "Limes Ashore" It combines limes with habaneros, cloves, allspice, salt, vinegar, and garlic.

Another good example of the combination of habaneros and other ingredients is Melinda's (called Marie Sharp's Hot Sauce in the U.S.), made in Belize from habaneros, carrots, and onions, which makes for a milder, more flavorful sauce than simply combining the pureed chiles with vinegar.

Jamaica's Pickapeppa sauce has a flavor similar to Worcestershire sauce with only a slight bite. The fruity flavor comes from mangos, raisins, and tamarind. However, it should be noted that the company has a much hotter version of Pickapeppa with more Scotch bonnets and fewer fruits.

The hot sauce called Matouk's owes its existence to a speech by Trinidadian political leader Dr. Eric Williams, who said that the variety of jams, jellies, sauces, and pickles made by housewives were an integral part of Trinidad's culture. However, he pointed out that as women gained employment, the nation was in danger of losing the tastes of the home kitchens of Trinidad and Tobago. George Matouk, a Trinidadian businessman, was inspired by Williams' speech, and in 1968 he founded Matouk's Food Products and began manufacturing jellies, jams, and hot sauces. Congo peppers (the local name for habaneros) are combined with herbs, spices, and papayas. The Matouks' brand has three heat levels of their sauce. About half of their sauce production is consumed locally, and the rest is exported, mostly to the United States and Canada. The United States is the number one market for Matouk's Trinidadian hot sauces.

The last decade has seen an enormous explosion in habanero hot sauce production, with most of it in the United States. There are now more than a hundred brands of habanero hot sauces, with more on the way. Even the McIlhenny Company is producing one, Tabasco Habanero Hot Sauce.

[Bill]

Did I tell you that all those sauces are good for the intestines. It cleanses them of parasites. Removes hemeroids and hair. And also controls the urge to snack. Especially from the chili pot.